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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
“Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!”
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet.
“Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.”
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
“Don’t think so.”
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
“Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.”
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
“Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.”
“You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.”
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
“Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.”
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
“Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
“Parker? Are you talking to me?”
“Well I’m not talking to myself.”
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
“This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.”
“Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …”
“You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously.
“Should you want I bow wow?”
“Holy cow! Parker you are talking.”
“Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.”
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Afraid not.”
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
“Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?”
“Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.”
“You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?”
“Four hundred.”
“Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.”
“Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?”
“Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.”
“That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?”
“Yeah.”
“She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.”
“You are kidding me?”
“She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.”
“You know this from the smell of possum poop?”
“Excrement.”
“Whatever.”
“Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?”
“Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …”
“Penis?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Jealous are we?”
“Well, it’s just that …”
“It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.”
“No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.”
“No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.”
“You done? Can I get to my concern?”
“Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.”
“How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?”
“You mean global warming?”
“It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.”
“Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.”
“We don’t know dramatic.”
“Well give me examples of what you mean.”
“First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.”
“I don’t smell a thing.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.”
“Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?”
“We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.”
“ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?”
“Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.”
“Oh yeah, like what else?”
“Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.”
“What?”
“You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized.
An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.”
“Can you give me a for instance?”
“God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.”
“This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.”
“In a nut shell, yeah.”
It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping.
“That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.”
“What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically.
“You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.”
“Then what, already?” I asked impatiently.
“You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.”
“Ummm … yeah I guess.”
“Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!”
“All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.”
“I’ll see what I can do. No promises.”
“So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.”
“It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking.
“Parker?”
Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket.
“Parker … are you done? Is that it?”
He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep.
“Parker … just like that?”
He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined.
“Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.”
I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream.
As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. One can’t be too dismissive of the unexplainable these days.
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1. Planning Renovations
Any project will be more successful, given well-defined goals. In every household project, the following three points can be applied:
FORM: What do you want it to look like?
FUNCTION: What do you want it to do for you?
COMPATIBILITY: What factors exist that might limit what you can do, and will the finished product look good on your house?
Once you've completed this part of your homework, it's time to decide if you'll built it yourself, hire a contractor, or be your own contractor and perhaps sub-contract some of the work. Sub-contracting may sometimes seem to over-complicate things and even look wasteful, but just remember - some jobs can look deceivingly simple until you actual get into the nitty-gritty of them. A general contractor's job is to co-ordinate and orchestrate the whole schmozzle to completion.
2. Finding A Contractor
My card...The process of finding a good contractor is essentially the same, whether you decide to hire a general contractor, or one or more sub-contractors. The best reference for a contractor is word of mouth from a satisfied client. If you don't know anyone who has had renovations or repairs done in the area you need, look for work trucks or signs in your neighborhood. Knock on doors, and ask the homeowners if they are satisfied with the work being done. Once you contact a contractor, ask for references, and follow through by calling their previous clients with a set of questions that will give you the information you are looking for.
The following are samples of questions that could be asked of any reference:
1. Did the job come in at the quoted price?
2. Did the job come in on time?
3. Was the work site left clean each day?
4. Was the quality of the workmanship satisfactory?
5. Was the quality of the materials used satisfactory?
It is always recommended that you talk to more than one company, so that you have a basis for comparison. Listen to their technical information, and note their customer relation skills. If the contractor doesn't do a very good job of communicating with you before you hire him or her, there may be a higher likelihood of miscommunications during the work.
Sometimes the best companies will be very busy and you will have to wait for their services. Other times, good companies may have time slots between large projects that smaller jobs can fit into. Ask what the company's schedule has been like for the past 6 months to a year. Reputable companies are usually busy all year round in any economic situation.
3. The Estimate, or Quote
Meeting the Contractors
Remember that the contractor you choose could be spending a lot of time in your home, so look for someone you feel at ease with. You should meet individually with each potential contractor. Be prepared to discuss products and designs; know what you want and how much you can spend. Take note if the contractors are on time, if they listen and answer questions, willingly give information about their company and their customers; and if they seem to have any aversion to your ideas.
The Estimate
This is where you'll likely make your choice of contractor. Each potential contractor will present a proposal, including design and cost information. Review the estimates, ensuring that they accurately relfect your wishes, and make comments and/or any changes that are required.
How Are Jobs Estimated?
Work that involves structural changes to the home, custom designs, or enlargement of some of the mechanical systems is typically quoted by the job. It can be very difficult for a contractor to know exactly how much time an intricate custom job will take, particulary if a number of trades are required, and the different parts of the job are interdependent.
Get it in writing!Simpler, straightforward jobs are often quoted by the square foot. Examples are laying sod, painting, roofing, drywall or refinishing floors. The quoted price will typically be set to include everything (ie. labour, materials, travel, etc.).
Smaller jobs may also be quoted buy the hour, and if the job is fairly routine, such as installing addtional electrical outlets or drywalling, the figures are typically in line. In this situation you will pay the tradesperson for time, plus the cost of the materials used in the project.
The Final Design and Quote
If you have a contractor with good references and the estimate looks good, you now need to get a firm quote, including final designs. The design should include detailed specifications for the work and the materials to be used.
(Another option is to have an architect or designer produce the plans and ask the contractors to bid on the job, based on these plans.)
Make sure the final specs are accurate and reflect your wishes, and make your final comments and changes. After you accept the final quote, the cost of further changes will likely be added to the job. Ask how long the stages of the work will take, so that you can monitor progress.
4. The Paperwork
Cash is King, however...
... take care, lest the cash deal of the century turn into the mistake of a lifetime! One reason for cash payment is the avoidance of paperwork and taxes. Taxes and other legalities aside, the absence of contracts and permits can be extremely risky.
Ooh, I love to save money!Cash contractors often don't pay Workers' Compensation fees, and you could be held legally responsible for any worker injured on your property. If the contractor gives you the product warranty cards, you'll be covered for defective materials provided they were properly installed, but don't expect good follow-up service on a cash deal. You would also have difficulty supporting any legal actions without any paperwork. The overall quality of a project may be compromised in the absence of paperwork, and cash paid in advance (rather than by cheque) will be all but impossible to retrieve if things go sour.
Building, plumbing and electrical codes may require that all or parts of your project be performed by licensed tradespeople, and sometimes licenses are required to obtain the permits. If the tradespeople aren't licensed, the contractor probably isn't insured. And if your contractor isn't insured, then depending on the nature of the job, neither is your house while he works on it.
The Contract
Agreements in writing are less vulnerable to miscommunications, than are verbal ones, and far easier to enforce. Some of the points included in a good contract are:
1. Full job description, including all aspects of the work; demolition, renovation, reconstruction and finishing.
2. Material specifications, including type, model, number, color, and size where applicable, and who's supplying what.
3. Start and finish dates.
4. Payment schedule; 40/40/20 is generally acceptable.
5. Permits, and who's responsible for obtaining them.
6. Clean-up and trash removal.
7. On site behaviour.
8. Change order clause: Have any changes to the original job specifications in writing with a requirement that you "sign off" any change before the work is performed.
9. Arbitration: Aree how disagreements will be handled before the work begins.
10. Contractor's insurer and policy number.
5. The Work MORE POWER!
Problem Avoidance: If you've carefully chosen your contractor, and made adequate preparations (including making the site ready for the trades people and workers), this part should be easy! The actual work should closely follow what was written into the contract, however you still need to monitor the ongoing project, and in some cases you'll be required to make additional decisions. There are often unforseen difficulties, or you may simply wish to ask for changes as the work proceeds.
Site Preparation: Remove furniture and stored articles from the work area, and cover carpets and other items that may not be moveable. It is in your own best interest to make arrangements for storage, clean-up and refuse areas convenient to the work area.
Project Coordination: Effective communication is the greatest secret to successfully completing any project. Maintain regular contact with your contractor(s) so that the unexpected can be dealt with expediently.
Hidden Conditions: A thorough inspection performed in conjuction with estimation should preclude any major changes, however there are structural and mechanical conditions initially hidden from view, which even the most experienced renovator may not be able to predict. Be prepared to negotiate changes for "hidden conditions".
What to do if a problem develops:
1. Bring all problems, perceived and real, to the attention of your contractor(s).
2. Is it major or minor? If minor, and the contractor is present at the time, discuss it and negotiate a resolution. If it's minor, and/or looks like it can wait, start a list of minor observations that you can bring to his or her attention when appropriate.
3. Major problems should be dealt with immediately. If your contractor is not present at the time, make every effort to contact him or her as soon as possible. This may avert furtherance of the problem.
4. Given that your contractor responds satisfactorily, carry on. If not, try again and if necessary, write a letter. If you still don't get satisfaction, look to a third party such as the Ontario Renovators Council or the Ontario Home Builders Association. These agencies should be approached only if you are certain that a resolution cannot be achieved with the contractor. Legal counsel should be an absolute last resort. There's no use making a mountain out of a molehill, and thereby delaying succesful completion of the project.
THE BOTTOM LINE: careful contractor selection + a good contract = successful job
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There is nothing worse for a relationship than neglect, you need to keep your relationship fresh and passionate and this is what this article is all about.
A relationship is like a bank account. If you constantly make withdrawals and no deposits, the bank account will soon close for lack of funds.
So too, relying on a few plain old sexual positions will usually result in both partners of a relationship becoming bored, and eventually, the sexual (and love making) act, will appear bland and uninteresting.
It seems that each couple develops a kind of routine; and if the couple really cares about each other, they will have a place in this routine for “new and cool stuff”. This article is about that, and it can keep your Sexlife alive and exciting.
Consider a quick change from the bed in the bedroom is the chair in the living room. Believe it or not, having sex on a chair can be as varied as on the bed, gives the couple a whole new range of sensations, and can be fun as well.
There are few basic positions, and these have also their variants, and allows the couple to be very creative (giving a warm loving feeling as well).
Basic Position: Knelling on the Chair.
In the position you use a standard dining room chair, with high back. The girl kneels on the chair and faces the back of the chair holding on to start.
The man enters from the rear (a variant of the doggy-style pose) but with a lot of advantages. The guy can massage his partner, fondle her breasts, and stimulate her clitoris.
This allows for deep penetration, and slow and long trusting is advised. The girl can push back with her hands creating greater friction. This is a very sexy position, and almost always ends up in mutual orgasm.
Basic Position Two: Seeing “eye to eye”
For this position you use either the sofa for an arm chair. The man sits down normally and the woman then sits on the man’s lap, but her legs over each of the arms of the chair. The man easily enters, and this position the couple are really eye to eye.
The man now supports his partner at her waste, and helps her move up and down. This position allows for both maximum clitoral and G-spot stimulation and can end in a dramatic orgasm for the woman.
Second Position: The Jackknife
Here the couple are assumed to be more or less athletic. The woman rests her arms to the elbow on the chair seat, and holds on the back of the chair. The man then lifts her legs, and supports her, and the woman will wrap her legs around the man’s waist and back. The man enters her, and there is no trusting, only deep penetration.
This has minimal clitoral or G-spot stimulation, but it is a very unique feeling and often the couple reach an orgasm quickly, as the movements are very intimate.
Second Position: Across the Sea
Here the woman lays across the arm chair, and not sitting on it. She is in a prone position, using one arm for a pillow and the other arm supporting her pelvic area.
The man enters from the rear, and the woman then, if she wishes, can bring her legs together, giving the man an exquisite feeling.
This allows for clitoral friction and some G-spot stimulation as the man’s penis will tend to trust downward. It is a wonderfully personal position, and allows for much intimacy between the couple.
Keeping your Sexlife alive does require variety, so try the above.
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Smokers know that smoking may lead to all sorts of health problems. We also know that cigarettes contains nicotine and 4000 other chemicals. But one of the harmful effects that people ignore is that smoking and impotence and highly related and many smokers put their sex lives in jeopardy without knowing.
The probability of a depression is higher for smokers compared to a non-smoker. A person suffering from diabetes or have high blood pressure has a higher chance of suffering from erectile dysfunction. The cause of erectile dysfunction may be due to smoking.
Toxins such as carbon monoxide can cause damage to the circulatory system and restrict blood flow to the penis. Studies have also indicated that men smokers have lower sperm count compared to men who do not smoke. Men smokers also have a higher proportion of malformed sperm.
The intake of tobacco smoke will result in fatty deposits blocking the blood flow to the penis due to smoking. This usually lead to male impotence problems. Excess nicotine consumption will also result in rapid contractions inn the penile tissue. Nicotine will also affect the brain which will restrict the arterial blood flow into the penis.
This is also known as acute vasospasm. Sexual process and functions requires the work of different organs and coordination in the body such as the hormones, nervous system and vascular system to maintain the pumping of blood flow into the penis to maintain erection. Consumption of cigarettes will affect these functions and have the probability of causing impotence.
Toxins and chemicals also restricts blood flow in the circulatory system, causing the blockage of arteries. The arteries being restricted and blocked will also be a factor for impotency. Other negative effects to the male sexual health are such as:
•Low sperm count
•Abnormal sperm shape
•Reduce volume of ejaculation
•Reduced sperm mobility
Smoking is extremely detrimental for health in many aspects including your sexual life. Nicotine and intake of cigarettes can cause erectile dysfunction. So be aware of your health and quit smoking today.
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Maureen Dowd was on Imus the other morning plugging her new book, “Are Men Necessary”; a book I plan to buy so I can get some slightly demented insight into the mind of a troubled woman. During the interview, Imus and his sidekick Charles challenged Ms. Dowd about a female perception she had just suggested that all heterosexual men froth at the mouth at the mere mention of a trip to a strip club or the possibility of a cat fight or the chance two women might lock in lesbian love making. Imus proclaimed that he, even amidst the weakness of lowly cocaine induced comas and vodka fed stupors, never stepped inside a topless joint. Charles nodded his head in brotherhood like the bobble-head doll he is sometimes. Their point being, not all men are beasts; that some have evolved above such shameful sexual servitude.
A couple of things.
First, Imus and Charles are probably lying through their coffee stained teeth about visiting strip clubs.
Second, I have frequented such establishments years ago. I eventually concluded that go-go bars are places where prematurely balding, man-boobed, middle aged business men hire enterprising young shapely women, forming a convenient unholy alliance of distrust to tap into the cash cow created when injured fragile male egos are deceived by alcohol induced sexual fantasy. All the females need to do is squirm provocatively while whispering real sweet nothings into customers’ hair filled ears. And if carried out correctly, the dollars shoot out of the slobbering stooges like ATMs in gleeful male orgasm. Make no mistake about it; the dancer is always in control of the patron. And when she is not, she moves on to the next penis clad cash machine. The only cost to her is to turnover some obscene percentage of the take to her sleazy male boss. It’s a business after all, and business is still a male dominated endeavor.
Third, if one has ever listened to Imus for more than an hour, one knows he and his cronies takes delight in sexually stereotyping and demeaning women. This idea that Charles and he are better than that is all part of the act.
For instance, a few minutes further into the same interview, Imus commented on the “balls” it took for Maureen Dowd to write a particular op-ed piece about Judith Miller—a remark that she quickly and graciously accepted with a simple and sweet, “thank you”. Although I haven’t checked, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Ms. Dowd does not have testicles. So why was she so quick to acknowledge and accept what I’m guessing she felt was a compliment? I’m pretty sure that bravery, fearlessness, strength, and conviction—all nice attributes to have when kept in check by common sense—are not gender assigned. And I’m positive they are not a function of male genitalia. I’m equally convinced that reluctance, fearfulness, and weakness do not require one to have a vagina.
It’s one thing, a very feeble thing at that, for Imus and his crew or even Jon Stewart and Al Franken for that matter—all professed non-chauvinists—to use male-centric language in an “equal opportunity” way; misguided into believing that somehow they are treating women and men equally.
It is another thing though for Maureen Dowd to acknowledge and welcome her inclusion into the club. She could have simply said, “Imus are you suggesting that I have to be a man to be tough?”
I am sure if asked Maureen Dowd would say without hesitation that she is a feminist or at least a proponent of feminist beliefs. Why then did she let Imus off the hook and indulge in the myth?
Like many things about feminists, I don’t get it. They can be their own worst enemy from time to time—just like Democrats when they run a national campaign.
Here is another example of something I don’t get. Why do some corporate feminists find short tight skirts, plunging necklines and push-up bras to be the business suit of choice? I suppose they might argue, just as strippers might, that they are simply using their power over men to get what they want. And on some level I understand that argument: play into the male need to be the sexual alpha dog as long as the targeted objective is personal gain. This attitude however strikes me as feeding the very stereotyping and sexism women want to end, which leads me into a short discussion of another dilemma I have with feminism. Within the last few years, I have been introduced to the forefront of feminist thought. Well not introduced exactly, more like pummeled. Here is what I have learned. I have something called. “white male privilege”. Essentially, whether I consciously or subconsciously acknowledge that privilege, it doesn’t matter. I have it and I need to “own it”. I’m pretty sure that means I have to fess up to it and wear it like a scarlet letter (although a white penis will do just fine). Believe me! I understand the importance of the concept. The dried blood tracking from my ears is proof positive of the difficulties and hard work it took me to reach that understanding.
But that’s as far as the feminists have taken me. I’m afraid to tell them but it’s like a false crescendo. It can’t be the end of the symphony. Okay, so I “own” white male privilege. What next? There must be more. Am I supposed to give it up someday? Is it like owning an unregistered gun? Will there be a turn-in-your-white-male-privilege amnesty day? I’d be more than happy to if I just knew when, where and to whom? Or come to think of it, maybe not. What takes its place? Or worse, who gets it next? Gee, maybe I should take advantage of it more consciously while I still have it.
Anyway, in the meantime, as I meander aimlessly, I’m going to refrain from saying stuff like, “Hey that Barbara Boxer, she sure has some pouch of brass nuggets on her.” I will also try to be more cognizant of this privilege I have and renounce it at every turn. It’s all I can do until I get further instructions.
You know, I can’t help but think if reincarnation happens, I might want to come back as an earthworm. They have both the male and female sex organs. When they mate they impregnate each other. Everything is “even up”. And the result is that they are a pretty happy bunch. You don’t hear about earthworms having male/female issues. Okay so they have other issues—fish hooks being a big one. But quite frankly, I’m not sure that is any worse; sometimes I think it is a whole lot better.
