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At the risk of insulting the nearly 8,700,000 residents of the Garden State, I should explain that I was raised along the Jersey shore. I graduated from Red Bank High and spent many summers at the Driftwood Beach Club in Sea Bright. But as soon as I could muster the courage, I left that overcrowded, haven for the Sopranos, behind in 1976, and moved to the desert resort community of Scottsdale, Arizona. It only took a few years to rid myself of the telltale Eastern accent and acclimate to sunny days, wide-open spaces, and toll-free roadways.
While I’ve only touched on some of the reasons I departed the home of cranberry bogs and Bruce Springsteen, suffice it to say I left also left my snow shovel in the garage when I sold the house and never looked back. After all, winters in Scottsdale average near 70 degrees. I did enjoy a few aspects of shore living but not enough to keep me there. But enough about that part of the country. This article is really about what makes us crazy. Being from NJ was a beginning, but not entirely responsible for my current disabled behavior.
I don’t remember much about the Jersey drivers but I imagine they can’t be much worse than what I encounter daily in the West. It amazes me how most got their licenses. Was there some sort of online exam they could take that I missed? What else could account for their immature, uncourteous, lack of skills, and common sense? How can someone drive with no apparent realization that there are actually other drivers on the road? How can they make unique turns, sudden stops, and disturbing instantaneous speed changes that defy most laws of physics? I’m obviously one of the only drivers not vision-impaired and somewhat conscious of most of the rules of the road. That’s some sort of disability in itself, if one is to survive the snarl of unending traffic.
Another problem I possess is the inability to express myself properly. The other day I pulled into a well-known, fast-food, place’s drive-thru and ordered my usual ‘chicken taco salad.’ I assume they heard me because they asked if I wanted “haormadsews” which I translated on prior trips to say, “hot-or-mild sauce.” I declined, as I always do, and picked up my order. As I pulled away, I peered into the bag to discover a cheeseburger with fries. Why would that include “haormadsews” anyway, I thought? Pulling back around, I now spent and additional twenty minutes going into the restaurant, waiting in line and finally getting my correct order. Instead of apologizing, the clerk inform me I must have said something that sounded like “cheeseburger.” To which I replied, “Chicken taco salad” could, if one were, say, Chinese, sound EXACTLY like “cheeseburger.” Chalk up disability number three.
I have to admit that I have a fourth disability that is equally troublesome: failure to recognize the true problem. I’ve purchased a variety of domains and hosting sites online and had numerous problems. When I call for technical support usually one of the following occurs. I wait on hold for 30 minutes to discover the office is closed and I’m invited to leave a number or visit their site for FAQ’s or technical assistance. I’ve left many messages, which were ignored, so I call back. Now I get a nice gentleman named Sabu in Bombay, India. Although he is quite polite, he has an accent that could bring Professor Henry Higgins to his knees. I ask him to repeat every answer many times and still can’t figure out what he’s saying. Eventually, I realize the futility of the situation and hang up. Then he sends an e-mail apologizing for the communication problem and detailing my real problem: my computer’s probably out of memory.
So I dash to my local computer dealer (another national chain) and they sell me more memory. Back home, nothing works. I return to the shop and they sell me a new hard drive. Home again, still no luck. Four hundred dollars and several other parts later, they tell me to get a whole new computer and no, they won’t give me a refund on the “used” parts they sold me just two days ago. So I bite the bullet, buy a new computer, but not from them, the greedy #$%@*!
So maybe this counts as disability five: the one where I can’t see when I’m getting taken to the cleaners and have “sucker” stamped on my forehead.
I have a plethora of other disabilities that cause me daily consternation: I’m stupid, at least according to some relatives (although I possess two degrees); cheap, according to e-mails offering penis enlargements that I won’t purchase; not financially smart, because I ignore all the refinance-your-mortgage offers I receive in the mail (even though I don’t have a mortgage); and ignorant, because I purchased a pathetic Civic instead of a hot Hummer and laugh about rising gas prices (it also helps that I work out of the home and hardly drive at all).
So, with all these disabilities, it’s hard to believe I can function at all. I must have no life or chose to be oblivious to everything that goes on around me. Yet, even with these flaws, I will continue to attempt to order salads and troubleshoot computer glitches. Did I forget to mention I just got back from the Post Office with a small package that was prepaid for a return? After the clerk got off the floor from laughing so hard at the two-dollar postage on the label, I just had to ask what was the matter. Then he then told me it would be another five dollars and what the heck was I thinking? That’s about par for the course, I reckon.
That said, I still will not allow a few behavioral problems to keep me from my daily functions. So join with me in my crusade to overcome our disabilities and strive for our survival. In my particular case, it’s my way of saying to the world, “even though I’m from Jersey, I can take everything you can dish out!”
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‘Big Chest and the Lion’ [Prelude to After Eve II: Big Chest]
By Dennis L. Siluk
The Man-eaters, as they were known, otherwise called the lions, jaguars, tigers of the ancient days, were not much different than, the new breed, so named by Short-legs as “The Stone-Builder’s,” the reason being, they had no second thoughts about killing the members of the Horde, nor the Branch-People; rather they seemed to harbor thoughts and acts as if they were summoned to do so, a duty that had to be announced; thus, all the inhabitants in these two areas were beastly trophies to them. The Folk in the Horde, along with several others of the Branch-People were terrified in a way of the new invaders of the land, the new neighbors, and their fathomless predator style of hunting. They were a threat more serious than the famine or the plague that had vanquished the land in the past.
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I had seen one time Big-chest walk into a campsite of theirs, the Stone-Builders that is, I tried to tell this story to my brother Stern-toes, once, but I never could explain it right, but I think he got the jest of it, if not the seriousness, we did both laugh at the Stone-builders for hours on end, afterwards. As I was about to say, Short-legs and Little-eyes witnessed this whole happening from a distance of course. The Stone-Builders were full of what they called ‘wone, or wine,” something along that order, some sounds take me back a bit, they had new sounds all the time, ones never heard of before their arrival on the scene. Well, Big-chest, noticed in the evening, they had killed a man-either; there were four of them at a campfire, just laughing, and drinking, and being playful like a group of little cubs. Actually they did get a little over physical with one another, like the wild boars after one of us, wanting to eat us for dinner, and then settled down again. It was winter so there was a chill in the air, and not much leafy trees to hide us, but we remained in the distant woods nonetheless, with a pile of leaves at our knees in case we needed to camouflage ourselves more.
As always, Big-chest was confident of his abilities, he stood in the woods, no shadow, just a big blob of muscle, fuzzy hair and sharp beady small squinty eyes, pinned on the four individuals, and their lion. He was actually blocking our vision a bit, but I think he did that because he wanted to show his audience, who was the king. Then unsuspected, he walked into the camp, among the four, he had seen their weapons by the fire, where the lion was. He was swaying his body like huge trees in a storm. Closer and closer he came to the fire, no one noticed, can’t figure it out, could they not hear him, for I could, way back in the woods. His fingers almost touching the ground, he had long thick arms, fingers, and perturbing muscles. Then all of a sudden two of the four turned their necks to see what was in back of them, and almost went into shock, the other two stood up, all four were some fifteen feet from their weapons. The two who were squatting, were closest to the fire, the other two where a little farther away, standing, I think one was releasing himself, he made a puddle and was trying to cover it up, we just went, wherever, and whenever we had to.
Big-chest took his right hand, hit the head of one of the squatters as he was about to stand, and his head flopped like a dead fish out of water; flopping back and forth, as if to jump back into the creek. The other one tried to get to his weapon, but Big-chest picked him up by one leg, his penis showing, they all liked covering them up for some reason, and Big-chest just laughed, and tossed him into the fire, after twisting him about for a few seconds, breaking the leg in several places I expect. Then one of the two standing routed himself through the woods yelling something like, “hhhh eel pppp...!!” Not sure what that meant. The last one, I call him the brave one, pulled out a sharp object, about the length of his hand, and stood in front of Big-chest as if he was going to fight him. He looked similar to a banana compared to him. I asked myself, ‘is he crazy, run! And run fast, while you can.’ Big-chest just looked dumfounded at the figure in front of him, and picked him up, picked up the seven food lionesses, and put her over his shoulder, the crazy Stone-Builder charged at him during this event and Big-chest with a quick turn, knocked the man on the ground with the man-eater still well balanced over his shoulder. Then like a dead fish, he kicked him in the mid section, sweeping him into the fire. He could not move.
Early winter
We had no way of knowing which winter would be good to us or bad for us, and winter this one year had come early, and therefore our food supply was depleted rather quickly. When Little-eyes and I returned back to the cave that evening we had told in our symbolic way, at the Banana Cave, the entire horde how Big-chest killed the Eve people. And you could hear the laughing for miles around. I think Big-chest had taken his trophy to a cave in our area, and was having dinner at the time. We liked anyone who could out smart the Stone-people, they were smug and we were helpless compared to them, most of the time. And so it felt good if anything. But our surprise would come in the morning.
Morning
In the morning when several of us looked out our cave, in the center of the canyon style area, we seen half a lion torn open, in the center, it was a treasure, and all of us quickly ran to eat what meat Big-chest had left for us. Big-chest was not always so generous, but for some odd reason, he knew we were starving for some protean, and our bodies where starting to show our ribs. Aimless to say, this never happened again, but we all gave Big-chest a smile as we walked proudly out of our cave-canyon.
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